Providing a fresh perspective on student dating, this interview brings the wisdom of a 50-year-old divorcee to situationships, age gaps, flatcest and more.
First things first, what are her credentials?
Without revealing too muchrelationship gurus are best left anonymous – she met her former husband at university, has raised three teenage girls, has decades of relationship experience and, most importantly, made it out of the student dating scene alive.
Flatcest: Worth the drama?
“If there’s actual drama, is it worth it at all? Relationships should be enjoyable on the whole, shouldn’t they? I do know people who did this at uni. None of them lasted. There was one couple who were married in their foundation year too – they didn’t last long post-graduation although I never asked why.
“You’ve got to weigh up the impact of going with it against leaving things where they are.”
Age gaps: Can they last?
My interviewee emphasised “shared values” over age and shared an anecdote:
“One of my daughters jokes that one day she’s going to come home with a man in his 50s. I keep joking that 20+ years down the line she needs to be prepared to be on arse-wiping duty. We are both joking, of course, but there’s also a pinch of reality there.”
Life Partners: Is meeting the one at University possible? And, should you be looking for the one?
“I suppose it depends what you want – it could be yes to both, or no.” She expands on this, explaining that finding a partner at university might be easier because: “as you get older, your ways of meeting new people shrink”.
However, she offers reassurance for those struggling and those who choose not to look at university, sharing that she doesn’t know anyone who met their life partner at university but does know “people who met theirs at school & couples who didn’t go to uni who met in the 18-21 window.”
Who to Avoid?
To provide some context, I gave the example of avoiding certain degrees or club goers.
She replied: “Ha! When I went to uni, it was the ‘agrics’ also known as hoorah Henrys (hence ‘rah!) – loud, boisterous & beer-guzzling with a warcry of ‘Rah!’
“In reality, I’m not sure it matters. There’s bigger red flags than their degrees or socialising preferences (although the latter may be a part of a shared value).”
Some red flags she highlighted were love bombing, cold shoulder, prejudice, lack of shared values, emotional unavailability, and imbalanced labour.
Situationships: Harmless fun or recipe for heartbreak?
Raising an important issue, the interviewee questioned whether situationship participants know “what they’re in” or if it’s “a romcom moment where at least one of them is waiting for the moment.”
She expressed that “there’s definitely a place for harmless fun if both parties know that’s where they are and are comfortable talking about any changes in their situation whether that be wanting more or less. You’re only young once but stay safe (emotionally, physically and sexually) and all that.”
So, situationships can be fun but only if you are both on the same page and staying safe.
Final Advice?
“Know yourself. What makes you happy? What are your lines in the sand that shouldn’t be crossed? What are your core values? Don’t ignore red flags.
“Why do your friends not like your relationship? They can’t all be wrong and misunderstanding the real situation. Educate yourself – what is and isn’t healthy?”
She also reminded students to be open to change: “The human brain isn’t thought to have fully developed until mid-20s, or thereabouts. Be prepared to change over that period. Things that seem fixed might not be as important when you’re in your 30s/40s/50s. Loving the same music might be a deal-breaker now but imagine a lifetime loving the same music but hating each other’s food. Compromises are possible – but not on our core beliefs.”
The Takeaway:
Whether it’s flatcest, age gaps, or situationships, the key is knowing yourself, communicating openly, and never ignoring red flags. And when in doubt, seek advice from the metaphorical 50-year-old divorcee in your life.