Do you own a sex toy? Would you be shocked if someone asked? It’s easy to believe that society has made substantial moves in removing the stigma around sex and masturbation, but are sex toys where we draw the line?
This conversation around adult toys originally came to my attention a few months ago following an incident involving Suffolk police. The incident reportedly involved young officers exhibiting unprofessional behaviour during the search of a home, such as commenting on and laughing about the homeowner’s underwear and adult toys. According to a BBC article, the woman has been awarded “thousands of pounds in compensation” due to the distress caused by the incident.
What this case brought to my attention was the possibility that I have been living in a sex-positive bubble, wherein all my Gen-Z friends and I think that the whole of society holds the same empowered views as us.
In their article “Not a Sex Toy” LoveHoney, a top sex toy retailer, states “research found that 41% of adults are using everyday objects in place of sex toys.” They then polled 2,054 UK residents on the specifics of these objects, which turned out to range from pillows to electric toothbrushes. We cannot know if this creativity is due to personal preference (each to their own) or is a direct consequence to a stigma around purchasing sex toys, but the latter does seem far more likely.
The article does have a more serious message though, about how the company “still face[s] extreme levels of censorship from Google, Meta, and basically every avenue of advertising,” and because of this, is forced to use everyday objects (much like the participants of their survey) instead in their ads. This then furthers the cycle of shame and secrecy surrounding sex toys.
Perhaps part of this shame comes from the idea that sex toys are to act as a ‘replacement’ for another person, as though the act of using one is a sign of loneliness or romantic failure. But this couldn’t be further from the truth; sex toys are an enhancement, not a replacement, and should be viewed as just that. There’s also always the suspicion that a large part of this comes down to misogyny. In 2017, Marie Claire found that women are far more likely to use sex toys, with only 1 in 8 men acknowledging owning one. This does aid the belief that much of the stigma comes from the age old problem of women having control over their own sexuality being seen as vulgar and embarrassing.
Given that Marie Claire also found that “less than a fifth of British women feel satisfied with their sex life”, it appears society simply destines women to a life of sexual unhappiness. There is an entire other conversation to be had about how this is something that it would never expect its men to put up with (see the growth of sex robots, AI chatbots and metaverse brothels targeted at men for proof of this), but perhaps that’s for another article.
Furthermore, we can blame the inherent and systemic issues in sex education, something which the majority of the time puts all its focus on bare minimum facts and logistics and no attention on forming realistic views on human sexuality. Whilst there is obviously a line with what is appropriate to discuss in an educational setting, encouraging open conversation is a crucial step in ensuring we do not raise another generation who feel uncomfortable discussing sex, therefore reinforcing these ridiculous taboos.
So whilst sex toys may not be for everyone (this article is not sponsored by your local vibrator company) the secrecy around them is uncomfortable to watch. All this article aims to do is urge people to talk, read, or even just think. Conversations about sex toys don’t need to be shoved to the back of your underwear drawer alongside them, and the more they’re read about and talked about, the less embarrassing they become. Taking control of your own pleasure is never something to be self-conscious about, and I hope this convinces at least one person of that.