York named Britain’s fifth most serious city

A new scientific study has revealed that York is Britain’s fifth most serious city.

The research, carried out by Walls’ Ice Cream, claims that residents of York spend an average of 62% of their time being serious, with over half of citizens spending more than 80% of their time in relative solemnity.

York residents allegedly spend the equivalent of nine days a year commuting, with around one in five commuters claiming to switch into a more serious persona whilst travelling to and from work.

Almost half of Yorkers said that they felt bored, and one in five said that feeling old gave them that sinking feeling.

Walls’ have already put the sobering statistics to good use, starting their “Goodbye serious, hello joy” summer campaign, which has given zombie-like London commuters the chance to cycle to work along Regent’s Canal with a “Walls’ Waterbike”.

Jenny King, Brand Manager for Wall’s Ice-Cream, said: “Brits clearly need more joy in their life and remember to take a break from their serious lives, so we’re tackling the dreaded commute to work.

“Boris may give you bikes, but we’ve gone one step further with waterbikes that offer a relaxing, scenic alternative to the sweaty rush hour trains and buses.”

Walls’ study names worrying about work, finances and commuting as the main reasons behind York’s sombreness, as well as a general lack of time spent thinking about the fun things in life.

Local rivals Leeds sat on an equally funereal keel, coming just ahead of York in the table of top ten most serious cities, while the south coast’s Portsmouth was crowned the UK’s most long-faced city, with an average of 72% of the time spent being serious.

Nevertheless, many students are sure that York will lighten up as we move into the summer.

Sam, a second-year biology student, said: “The news that York is such a serious place has left me feeling pretty downbeat. But I have faith that this will all change come the end of the exam period.”

Nationally, women are also more serious than men, according to the report, with the average woman spending 60% of her time being serious, in contrast to 54% for the apparently more light-hearted men.

The news follows recent revelations that York’s binge drinking rates were higher than the national average.

The top 10 most serious cities, with the highest percentage of time spent being serious, are:

Portsmouth (72%)

Wrexham (63%)

Chelmsford (62%)

Leeds (62%)

York (62%)

Aberdeen (61%)

Oxford (61%)

Edinburgh (61%)

Leicester (60%)

Swansea (60%)