With the YUSU elections well underway, tensions are running high on York’s campus and this year’s candidates are all undoubtedly feeling a little strained. If only there was someone at hand to take all the pain away…
Students at Christ Church College, Oxford, have found the perfect solution to all the stresses and strains of university life. The JCR recently passed a motion to hire a professional masseuse as a competitive measure.
The decision came in response to Magdalen College beating them by topping the Norrington Table last year. Incredibly, Christ Church has identified the only logical explanation for Magdalen’s success; the one and only difference between their exam preparations: “a professional masseuse employed to rub the pain away during exam season.”
According to The Oxford Student, the motion stated that “it is embarrassing to be beaten at anything by a bunch of limp-wristed, Oscar Wilde wannabes who are almost as inbred as their deer herd.” It seems that difficult times call for desperate measures.
Meanwhile, across the pond, Indian international students studying at Tri-Valley University in California have also fallen on hard times after US authorities decided to fit them with electronic ankle tags, while Agents from the Department of Homeland Security shut down the University, alleging immigration fraud. The students await potential deportation.
Students paid up to $5,400 (£3,400) a year to study at the college, only to discover they’d enrolled in a sham. It was given permission by US authorities in Feb 2009 to obtain visas for foreign students but the US now alleges that the institution was part of an “elaborate fraud” which made millions for those behind it.
Clearly troubling times, but US officials are yet to prescribe a masseuse to comfort these unfortunate students. On the plus side, US diplomat Juliet Wurr suggests that they should see the bright side of the situation: “Let me tell you, they are very hip and happening because many of our movie stars and celebrities choose the anklets rather than sitting in a red jumpsuit in prison.” No worries there then.