Gender politics aside, I would like to think that many students’ mothers would be ashamed, appalled
and disappointed to see how badly many of their children eat. I do not mean to say that they would judge
their darling newly nest fled chicks for eating fearful quantities of takeaway pizza, glittering Elizabeth Taylor-esque as it does with grease. No, one has to rather anticipate that they would expect this and that diet would at least lead its way open to diversity; if only through virtue of an order mix-up. Pizza anyway is at least colourful. Does Effes ever taste, look, smell and/or feel the same twice?
Yet toast and (insert whatever you desire to put betwixt these brackets but a common selection
might be beans, beans, and for the adventurous beans and sausages) is monotonous. It is this
repetition and limitation which I believe would make many a mother pale. I hope that this appeal to
your emotional underside might open your eyes to the prospect of a more varied diet.
There are many, many things which one can eat which do not involve the use of toasted bread, a
telephone, a five pound note or even ten minutes of your time. (I am well aware that lack of skill in a
kitchen is not the only thing stopping students cooking). For supper tonight for instance one might
have a pork escalope with French beans and mustard. Very affordable and delicious.
An escalope is a thin slice of meat coated in flour, or eggs and breadcrumbs, then fried.
One takes a cut of pork. (We will at a later date come to build upon culinary knowledge and which
cuts of this and that do what and why and god knows what else but that’s then and this is now).
Pork fillet is affordable because there is not much of it and it tastes less of pork than the loin. Pork
Loin is expense because it is a chop and people buy what they know and everybody has heard of pork chops. A slice of leg works well, but belly wouldn’t because it is not meaty but fatty.
One takes the cut of pork; if fillet you cut on the bias so that you get long thin cuts of meat you will need no
more than a third of a large to medium fillet and can freeze the rest, if you get leg then cut it in half
so that you get two thin portions. This cut will be sold in ready to cook steaks, you merely have to
halve them.
You then place the prepared meat into a large freezer bag and bash with a heavy frying pan (or anything heavy that comes to hand: chopping boards, rolling pins, flatmates’ heads or even a Norton Anthology, but that’s more suited for the fire than anything else) to thin them and get your anger out. Be careful that you don’t beat them into paste; a few good whacks will do the job. Take them out of the bag, dust with seasoned flour. A neat trick is to get another bag with a tablespoon of flour in, put the meat in and shake. One then takes the meat out, shakes the excess off lightly and fries on a hot heat, which with gas is easily understood with electric I’m going to take a stab at 4. You will need a good knob of butter. I use butter and advise you to use butter. Firstly it is multi purpose; one can cook and spread it. Secondly it gives a better flavour. Thirdly it gives a better indication of heat, when it foams and sizzles it’s ready to fry. Finally it increases serotonin production and makes you happy.
Anyway, one puts the floured meat into the hot pan, flips every thirty seconds until the outside is a good golden colour. If you have cut and beaten the escallopes thin enough then this should only be a matter of minutes. If not then you might want to put them in a hot oven for ten minutes. Whilst you’re frying the pork, you can have boiled the beans. They’ll be ready at the same time and you’ll have a delightful supper. Serve with some mustard or if you’re really going for it you could make a sauce in the pan you fried the meat in after you’ve taken them out by turning the heat up, pouring in a splash of water, white wine, brandy or even whiskey, reducing that down, then adding a spoonful of mustard and honey and then a tablespoon of crème fraiche or soured cream. Simple, cheap and not in any way difficult.
Another cheap and delightful meal is peas a la colombier. Take an onion, dice it. This means cutting
it in half root to stem, pulling away the skin- easiest done when halved- and then cutting vertically
from stem to base not severing the onion’s tie to the bottom and then cutting across horizontally
the vertical cuts you made. You can alternatively use spring onions. Fry these on electric 4 in
either a deep-ish frying pan or a saucepan, one can add lardons (strips) of bacon, black pudding,
ham, potentially even sausage meat to this, when the onions are translucent and the meat cooked
add a handful of frozen peas- unless you happen to have a supply of fresh peas to pod and the time
to dismember them. Coat them in the oils and then pour in enough water to hug the contents and
boil for two minutes. One can have this as a broth, which I adore, or can add pasta and have it as a
carbohydrate tainted mess.
Finally if you desperately want to have toast you can actually make a substantial meal of it without
opening a tin of luminous viscosity if you serve it with a cheat’s fondue. Take some cheese -a
handful will fill you if you have had breakfast though two handfuls never hurts-, dice it up, put it
in an oven proof pot with a tablespoon of milk or cream, throw it in an oven at 120C with wild
abandon and haste, stir half an hour later, it should be done by then. You can then eat this with as
much toast as the cheese will allow.
This should at least provide a sort of rudimentary supper for at least one night a week which would
make your mother, or anybody else you care to tell or share with proud and content.