It’s All Gravy Baby

One is from the South of England so naturally one owns a penny-farthing bicycle. Only the other day one was tootling down the Strand (London, of course darling) when one bumped into an old associate by the name of Sir Humphrey Marmaduke Humperdink – a splendid chap with impeccable taste in top hats. Well, we began to converse and the confabulation inevitably turned to one’s university education and one’s decision to study north of the Watford Gap services. On hearing this revelation, Sir Humphrey declared: “Why in God’s name would one want to associate with those corpulent, chips and gravy guzzling Northern louts!” and then proceeded to slap one around the face with a wad of crisp £50 notes.

The infamous North – South divide is a mythical line that no one could draw on a map; yet it is a subject that dominates both governmental departments for welfare and conversational banter at university. Not a day went by in my first year when the discussion around the kitchen table did not turn to correct pronunciation of words such as scone or bath or grass: “It’s pronounced gra-s you stupid arse!” Chaos would then ensue when somebody with the appropriate accent cracked out their local slang. A typical exchange with one Scouser signed off with “Nah ay dun kun wa’ yous arl bottle ‘n’ glass, yer southern divvie.” At which point I shrugged my shoulders, walked off muttering about coal mining and rugby league.

It could be deduced, therefore, that the divide is one of lexical differences; however when regional peculiarities are examined, for example between Newcastle and Liverpool, it is clear that language is not strictly a north-south issue.

Instead we can turn to economists who claim that the answer is money; i.e. that levels of employment, business success and personal wealth are greater in the South. Recently it has been argued that the coalition’s cuts in public expenditure would hit the North hardest and result in a widening of the gap. This implies that the divide is a clear split between a wealthy South and a destitute North; though when one considers southern towns such as Gosport in Hampshire, which are totally dependent on the flagging construction industry, I don’t believe economic factors are the key to the split.

Thus, disappointed with these arguments, I have formed my own daring explanation that has the potential to shake the academic world. I call it the ‘Chips ‘n’ Gravy Line’. Running across England, from Norwich to Shrewsbury, is a boundary of culinary taste that finally solves the conundrum of where the North – South divide actually is. The inhabitants south of the gravy line consume their chips, as God intended, with a good measure of salt, a splash of vinegar and a dollop of ketchup. However, the folk north of our metaphorical wall, ladle on sloppy sludge and then proceed to munch their chips with mucky fingers. Why anyone would want to eat a pile of soggy chips off a greasy polystyrene tray is beyond me, though my Northern friends can’t get enough of it.

So throw away your economic theories. Throw away your linguistic analysis. Throw away all you have previously heard and embrace the Chips ‘n’ Gravy Line. The solution to what differentiates Northerners from Southerners is, simply, Bisto.

Anywho one better be off, one is expected back down to the Home Counties for a hunting engagement. Some might say that one is really on the gravy train…toodle pip!