Moving away from home and starting your new life as a student is a daunting enough task without throwing in the added ingredient of a long distance relationship. However, like many other students around the country, I found myself in this position as a fresher last year. You may think at this point that I’m going to preach and tell you how to do it all ‘right’ – but of course that would be impossible, as every individual situation is different. And besides, for me, it didn’t work out. But don’t let alarm bells of doom begin to chime in your head at this point; after all, it’s easier to learn from someone else’s mistakes than deal with the consequences of your own.
Communication is key in a long distance relationship. When I was first torn away from my boyfriend, it felt like we had been thrown worlds apart, with the promise of seeing each other only once a month or so.
With this in mind, naturally you have to find other ways to make contact. In this day and age there’s a huge variety of communication methods, ranging from Skype to the more traditional form of love letters, so there’s really no excuse not to talk. Unavoidably you’re both going to be busy and carrying on with your lives, but it’s vital that you make time for each other. I found that arranging set Skype dates helps significantly, as it allows you to plan your day and do everything you need to, whilst also having excitement in the knowledge that you’ll get to ‘see’ your other half at the end of it all. In between times of course it’s always good to exchange the odd nice text, to remind your boyfriend or girlfriend that you’re thinking of them – the more contact the better!
This being said, it’s important not to smother each other too. Starting university is a huge step and you’re constantly going to be out and making new friends; as a result, you can’t be on your phone continuously and equally you can’t expect immediate responses all the time either. Remember, you’re both going to be busy at different points, and whilst I know this is hard to accept after probably seeing each other nearly every day, you’ll find you’ll get on better if you’re not overbearing. As I said before, every relationship is different so strike what feels like a happy medium with your loved one. However, universally, I feel it’s a probable no-no to send multiple texts and calls questioning lack of response etc; not only does this put the receiver in an awkward position and place extra pressure on them, as a result if you’re the sender you’ll probably not receive the happy, comforting response that you want.
For me, difficulty arose in the area of equality. It goes without saying that for a relationship to function properly care and affection need to run in both directions. It’s important that one half of the couple is not constantly having to make the effort to establish contact or organise reunions. Let’s face it, while it might be the easy solution to sit back and let everything happen, the relationship won’t last if you don’t maintain an active interest. As I found, fairness is pivotal in a relationship, if effort and love are unbalanced there’s only so long it can last before it is tipped over the edge.
I’m not by any means saying that this mutual expression has to be shown through the forms of expense or gifts. Train tickets are expensive (it cost me a week’s budget to get train tickets alone!) so unless you’re either very close or handle your student loan spectacularly, spontaneous visits are probably out of bounds. But it doesn’t all have to be about big gestures, it’s the small things that count. Even on a student budget, making someone feel special is simple – expressing feelings costs nothing. Whilst you may not currently be doing things together, take a step back and gather an interest into what your other half is doing, to help create a link between your seemingly different worlds. Make the most of the days you can spend together by doing things you both enjoy and reminding each other about why it’s worth the wait, and in the time you’re apart embrace the moments you share ‘face to face’ on Skype. By embracing, I don’t mean spending all your waking hours on it, obviously no matter how much you love your partner you’ll have other things to do. However, I’d advise against openly expressing your boredom by, for example, making valiant attempts to see how much of a Pringles tube you can fit in your mouth, whilst ignoring the conversation around you.
Finally and arguably most importantly is trust. When I left for university, the trust between me and my then boyfriend was, for various reasons, not the strongest; long distance inevitably put a strain on this. With this is mind, if I could advise anything it would be that if you have any worries, it’s fundamental that you talk to your partner about it, don’t tiptoe around the subject and hope it’ll go away. It won’t and your concerns will only increase. Remember, trust is something that is earned, whilst it may seem an option to try and gain a hold over a relationship by causing insecurities, these will ultimately breed mistrust, the most damaging thing of all.
When you care about someone, whatever time you have apart is too long, so make the most of a bad situation: remind each other why you are together, grab whatever time or contact you can, take an interest and most importantly help each other; after all, you’re in it together.