Dear Freshers: Why you need to lower your expectations

Ring of fire. What a game.

What’s up Oxbridge rejects. My name is Costas and for the next 2 minutes I will be your guide to the beacon of mediocrity that is the University of York. You’ll be happy to know that the university produces only the finest examples of future middle of the road citizens. But don’t worry friends, as several university officials and high strung students will remind you, we are in the arse end of the prestigious Russell group.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking at this point. ‘Here we go again, another edgy moron that thinks he is so clever because he can mock a decent university.’ Couldn’t agree with you more. Now that you’re done whining, allow me to introduce you to your new life as a student at this fine institution.

You will of course, start out as a fresher. While initially wide eyed and naive, you will quickly learn to hate people that can’t shut up about their ‘gap yah’ and how complete they feel after building mud huts in *insert generic impoverished country, probably in Africa*. As a fresher you will also find out that despite what your parents have told you, succumbing to peer pressure and drinking metric tonnes of alcohol is still super edgy and cool. Did I mention how many tequila shots I had last night? Loads I swear.

On the subject of freshers week, there is a wide variety of events on offer that will allow you to bond with your new flatmates. These activities include clubbing, activities resembling clubbing and more clubbing. Don’t like clubbing? It’s gonna’ be a long three years.

After freshers week flies by and the stench of alcohol eventually leaves your clothes, you will start to get used to your new flatmates. You will argue about the exact definition of ‘pulling’ and how to pronounce ‘scone’ and ‘bath’ and staple conversation filler in the real world like ‘lovely weather today’, will quickly be replaced by ‘were you out last night?’

Despite the initial shock brought about by the architectural monstrosity that is Derwent College, you will eventually learn to appreciate 1960’s architecture. Just kidding, the overbearing right angles, suffocating greys and general stunning lack of imagination will make you wonder exactly how widespread clinical depression was amongst 60’s architects.

As lectures start and routine sets in, freshers living in Hes East will quickly realize the seriousness of their mistake and those that live in Halifax will find out exactly why the university had so much space during clearing.

You will probably eat lunch at the Student Union operated gastropub, ‘Courtyard,’ more times than you attend your lectures, likely resulting in many a mammoth trek for those that live in Hes East. By the end of term 1, most that inhabit the eastern wasteland will wish they could switch their kingly accommodation to a cold, damp asbestos infested room in Derwent.

By the time term 2 begins, most of you will privately complain about the overuse of jokes concerning the aggressiveness of the fowl on campus while publicly still using them as a crutch when meeting new people. Seeing students in medieval uniform patrolling around campus will no longer raise an eyebrow. Eventually, family members will want to visit you, and it is at this point that you will realize how little you actually know about York. To you, points of reference will be clubs and pubs and you will fail to suggest more than 2 (maybe 3) decent eateries.

Campus newspapers will be mocked and derided and you will probably leave at least one nasty comment at the foot of an obnoxious piece (like this one). But, as many campus journalists will constantly remind you, we have the best student media in the country, clearly making shoddy journalism and clickbait tactics forgiveable.

When term 3 comes around, most students will be dumbstruck by the sheer amount of content they have missed. This cataclysmic yet not entirely unexpected discovery will separate first years into two groups. In the first group we have those that will study just enough to pass, knowing full well that their grades in first year count for as much a student journalists opinion on world politics. The second group will be occupied by those that will study hard to preserve the little dignity remaining from freshers week.

And there you have it freshers. Your first year summed up in a neat little article. And if at least 75 per cent of this article doesn’t ring true for your uni experience, email me in a years time and tell me all about it, believe me I’ll listen.


6 thoughts on “Dear Freshers: Why you need to lower your expectations

  1. Another expertly crafted article by Costas. I do wonder what would happen to vision without him.

  2. Contrary to the heretics below who are clearly first years raised on The Sun, this is actually a splendid article. Those of us who are actually slightly more mature and have done a year or two here know that it is of the highest accuracy and the author is to be commended.

  3. This is embarrassing to read, like a cringing lack of self awareness & even Vice would reject this middle class self loathing bs.

    Graduated 3 years ago, would love to discuss the mediocrity of university with you. Unfortunately, yeah, uni is pretty middle of the road. You’re going to a uni with little to no social inclusivity so you’re surrounded by privileged home counties kids who may, if you’re lucky, buy a gram of something off the internet which will be the highlight of your freshers week. You will look back on your cooler than thou bs attitude in years to come and cringe as you realise you are just like the rest of them…

    & Freshers – enjoy it! It’s wholesome as fuck fun but there’s no other time/place in the world who will let you do these things…!! Chain watch series, don’t clean and kiss awful people #yolo x

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