“Alright children, settle down. Welcome to Indie-Rock school. Please stroke your floppy fringes to the side for a moment and pay attention. Jenkins, those trainers don’t look very much like the uniform here at Indie-Rock School, do they? Where are your brogues? See me after class. Anyway, please open your textbooks to page 103, in-between the chapters on “Correct Indie-Slouch Posture” and “Looking Smug In Photos”.
Our lesson today is about comebacks. More specifically, we’re looking at 80’s proto-alt-rock band Pixies. What do you mean you haven’t heard of them, Jenkins? You’re on a last warning now, young man. Don’t make me write home to your parents like I had to with the Pulp incident. For those of you who haven’t done your homework, Pixies were an idiosyncratic noise-pop band who were minimally commercially successful in their heyday, but were hugely influential on the last twenty years of anything involving a squealing guitar.
Late last year they released three EPs, called “EP1”, “EP2”, and “EP3”- oh shut up, Smith, it makes numerical sense, stop interrupting me- from which they released rollicking singles “Blue-Eyed Hexe”, “Indie Cindy”, and “What Goes Boom”. No, Alan, the answer to that last one is not “Jenkins’ mom”. Go stand outside.
So, what do we do, children, after realising three EPs that we sell to our fans for good money? Thompson, any thoughts? Yes, well done! I’ll stick a gold record on your chart, only three more before you get a turntable! The correct answer, children, is that you simply put all those songs together into an album, the majority of which are singles that have already been out for at least six months, and get your fans to buy them all over again! You also make sure to even title it after one of the year-old singles, “Indie Cindy”, so people get a real sense of your artistic progression. Jenkins, what now? You think that seems like a bizarre attempt at cashing in on their limited commercial value? You think that they should have either released the EPs or just released an album? Or that it would even have been fine if they released an EP and then an album as long as they didn’t just have the same songs? Don’t talk such nonsense, boy. It’s indie-rock heroes Pixies! They don’t cash-in on things, it’s not what they do.
What Apple advert? Oh yes, that one. The one where they let their best song from the height of their career, “Gigantic”, be used on an advert for an iPhone? Yes, Steven, I know the lyrics are about a black man’s penis. Well no-one’s listening, are they? Too busy looking at the pretty phone things. Anyway, I don’t know why you’re all complaining, class, this is how the music industry works nowadays! No-one actually buys songs anymore. The music industry used to be run on fan loyalty and record sales. Now it’s held up by the suicide nets they have around Apple factories to stop the iPhone-manufacturing Chinese children from halting production. Well that’s just the twenty-first century isn’t it, Steven? I don’t see you complaining about the fact your chequered shirt says “Made in Bangladesh”.
Gosh is that the time? Children, pack up your guitars and put your unnecessary glasses away. Your assignment is to learn all about The Libertines, as our next Indie-Rock 101 lesson is on “doing the same reunion gig multiple times and pretending that it’s still a significant event”. Make sure to buy some Apple products on your way home as well.”
so… where is the star writing? or out of 10? *is confused* :s?????