The slightly dysfunctional Vision Agony Family is back to answer all of your burning questions – not literally, we aren’t medically qualified! So kick back, relax and engage in some schadenfreude. If you want to join in the fun, email questions to [email protected]
ONE NIGHT STAND WOES
“I really like this guy at University, we have slept together once, and I have shown him that I am interested other than that. He now doesn’t return any of my calls, avoids me, and is awkward when we meet, what shall I do?”
Moody Teen Emo: “You can’t force someone to be interested in you. You are probably fabulous and could get someone else if you wanted, so it looks like this guy isn’t really that into you and perhaps you should give up on this one. There are thousands of single men at Uni, go wild and find one who will treat you like the fabulous honey you are.”
Not your average blonde: “Ok, so he’s ignoring your calls, texts and is completely avoiding you. As bad as this sounds sweetie, he doesn’t want you and it seems as though he was only after the sex. Though this isn’t what you want its the truth don’t be down hearten though. Put your interest elsewhere into some who will reciprocate it. After all, the guy will eventually realise its his loss not yours.”
Honey Badger: “Drop the infatuation honey, it is not doing you any favours. There’s plenty more fish in the sea, so set your eyes to the horizon and who knows, maybe the next guy you’ll find will take you to paradise!”
Wise Owl: “Yeah I agree, it’s time to move on. Find someone who likes you too- life’s to short to struggle with non starters from the word go.”
Miss Scarlet: “One word- player. Darling he’s got what he wanted and now has moved on, so must you. You have two options; one you turn into a crazy stalker and then never find another man who’ll sleep with you, alternatively you grab your girls and go out on the town. Beat way to get over one man is to get under another.”
Madame X: “Leave it alone! He’s making his intentions clear. If he wanted something more, you would know. If you are looking for a relationship (NOT WITH THIS GUY), don’t put out until you know he’s a keeper.”
SEXT DRAMA
“I sent my ex and my current crush really embarrassing texts when I got tiddly last Sunday. How do I ever face them again/smooth over the situation?!”
Moody Teen Emo: “This reminds me of a scene in the Hit TV show Community when the main girl rings the main guy when she is drunk and leaves him a cringey voicemail. This upset the power balance and they couldn’t have banter anymore, so he responded by getting drunk and drunk dialling her. Problem solved. Get the respective people drunk and get them to do something cringe so you have something to hold over their head and laugh at them for.”
Not your average blonde: “Well oh dear oh dear. We should never really be allowed out with alcohol and our phones should we. Who gives an dayum what you said to your ex. He’s your ex; ignore what ever you said to him. The crush however, it’s the perfect opportunity to try and draw them in. Pretend he wasn’t the only person you sent messages to in order to make him jealous. The next morning text something along the line of ‘omg I can’t believe how many of these messages I sent last night, so sorry’. That way he will be thinking it wasn’t just me she was sending messages making him want you to himself.”
Honey Badger: “Two stroke strategy m’dear. On the Ex-Front, deny, deny, deny! You don’t know who stole your phone and sent the incriminating text but it wasn’t you – you were too busy having a good time being single! As for the current crush go comedic, a la “Omigod I’m so sorry, wouldn’t it be hilarious if I did like you?” Everyone can enjoy a hilarious drunk story, and if they think you know how to have a good time, it might place you onto their radar.”
Wise Owl: “First off: Damage control. How embarrassing are we talking here? Is there annyyy chance of laughing it off? It’s best not to take yourself too seriously in these situations, that way leads to embarrassment. If this is impossible, lie! But, look back on what you’ve said and ask yourself why you’re embarrassed: our drunk selves are more often than not our most honest selves so perhaps you need to stop for a second and think about that. For example, why were you texting an ex and a crush on the same night? leave the ex in the past and move on with the crush. Second: preventative for future tiddly moments. Download the App where it doesn’t let you text drunk! you can turn it on at the start of the night, and you’ll have to do logic tasks before you can unlock your text. LIFE. SAVER.”
Miss Scarlet: “Honey badger has the right idea. Denial is a girl’s best friend when it comes to drunk messages and the Ex.”
Madame X: “Three words: Style. It. Out. You never know what could happen”
BEST FRIEND BLUES
“I broke up a year ago with my ex-boyfriend and ever since then I haven’t been with a guy. I am now dating a guy but his best friend and I want each other. We both wanna have sex with each other but we know it’s not right. I don’t know what to do because our desire is so strong.”
Moody Teen Emo: “Well, sleeping with his best friend is probably the meanest thing you can do, even after you break up with the guy you’re dating at the moment (btdubs you probably should if you’re so tempted to sleep with other people that you might do it with someone else) his bffl is off limits. Deal with it, buy a vibrator or something and get over them both.”
Honey Badger: “It sounds as though you don’t know what you want. You’re pursuing a relationship but are still entertaining casual flings. The best-friend is off limits so long as you’re in the relationship, unless you want to ruin your guy and his bezzie’s friendship, and give yourself a fairly dodgy rep. If your set on sex then tell your guy things are over, but be sure it’s what you want: because having sex with his best-friend will ruin any chance you have with your guy.”
Wise Owl: “It’s definitely not ideal, but to use a cliche the heart wants what the heart wants. You should break it off with the guy you’re dating whatever happens, if you’re looking at other people you clearly don’t like him enough to invest in a relationship with him so harsh as it sounds, the two of you don’t stand a chance. After that, see if things are calmer than you expect and take it from there, but at the end of the day it’s the guy who has his loyalties to his best friend so you can just be the guiltless ex.”
Miss Scarlet: “From the sounds of it you have a scratch that clearly needs itching and you’ve been denied for a whole year. How long have you been ‘dating’ this guy if it’s not serious break it off now before you really hurt him. Remember poor Mr Darcy in Bridget Jones- don’t mess with the best friend dynamic full stop.”
Madame X: “Forbidden fruit always looks tastier. Ditch the boyfriend, bang the best friend. Everyone wins, except your boyfriend. But you never know, he might be up for a threesome. As The Lonely Island song goes “It’s not gay when it’s in a three-way”.”