Dear Agony Aunt,
HELP ME! My Dad died a little while ago, and since then everything has gone to pot. My mum married my uncle and became king even though I AM OF AGE. The country is going downhill, Fortinbras is going to invade and I just can’t take the stress. My girlfriend is driving me nuts as well, and to top it all off the other day my best mate called me out for what I thought was going to be a
good old piss-up on the battlements of the castle, when actually he wanted to show me THE GHOST OF MY FATHER, who told me to avenge his death.
I’ve got a plan sort of forming in the back of my mind about how to avenge him, but could you help me to handle the stress? I’ve tried long walks, baths listening to Michael Buble and aromatherapy, but all to no avail. The only thing that I find helps me feel less overwhelmed is speaking all of my feelings aloud while I am on my own.
Yours,
Panicking in Denmark
Dear Panicking,
I just had a quick nosey at your play, and whilst I relate to how confused you are, I have one piece of very important advice for you: JUST BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS THE TITLE OF THE WORK DOES NOT MEAN IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.
I am struck by how overwhelmingly selfish you are, take a walk in your best friend’s shoes. As far as Ican see, there’s clearly a little bit of unresolved sexual tension between you two. Your girlfriend has a lot on her plate as well, what with her overbearing dad and her crazy brother. You need to take a step back and have a look at the bigger picture. All this soliloquising might be helping you, but it’s not doing a whole lot to move the plot forwards. Why not try doing something for someone else for a change? (And by someone else, I don’t mean the ghost of your dead father.) Take Horatio out for a pie and a pint, buy your girlfriend some flowers (oh, and keep her away from large bodies of water, just to be on the safe side.) Your childhood friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have just come
into town, why not have a game of pool with them?
Basically, I think you need to connect to those around you. Rather than speaking your thoughts to yourself when you’re alone, open up to your friends and family. Keeping your feelings locked inside isn’t going to help anyone unless they’re auditioning for drama school, and have to prepare a monologue.
As for Fortinbras – don’t worry too much about that, a whole lot of modern interpretations will edit him out anyway.
Yours
Agony Aunt