Dear Agony Aunt,
There’s this girl at school. She’s kind of sickly-looking with her cold dead eyes but I think she might like me. Like really like me. I think that we’d be really good together and our relationship wouldn’t have any earth shattering consequences. But I have this problem: every time she’s near me, I want to sink my teeth into her neck and drink all her blood. I can’t help but think that this would cause problems in our relationship.
Also, I have this really itchy glittery rash whenever I go out in the sun, are there any moisturisers that could help with this?
Yours,
Discoball in Forks
Dear Discoball,
Yes. Yes, it is a problem. We all go through odd phases in our teenage years but yours seems like a very special case. However, I’ve had a flick through your book, and as it turns out, she is into you! And, honestly, her first person narrative is so nauseating that I’m not sure it would be too much of a loss if you did tap that (pun intended) and drink all her blood. I suggest that the two of you try and make a go of it because that way at least there’s a small chance that she’ll stop describing the way that the back of your head glistens like the sun as it sets over Manhattan and other such mediocre metaphors.
About your glittery rash, I find Savlon is usually the cure for most skin-based conditions. If it’s still itchy after that, see your doctor.
Yours slightly sickened,
Agony Aunt