The X Factor has just begun its Tenth Series. After almost ten years on our television screens I feel it is about time to reflect and look back at what we have learnt from this infamous programme.
I think the most important thing we have learnt is that ugly and fat people can sing! (I know! I was just as surprised as anyone else). But this fact never seems to sink into the judges’ oversized thick skulls. Every time some unattractive specimen reaches for the microphone they force their decadent well-manicured fingers into their ears before realising that actually, despite living under a bridge, this troll can sing like an angel. Perhaps the judges are submitted to memory removal after every series to keep them un-biased but unfortunately it never seems to get rid of their unwarranted sense of self-importance.
Secondly, we have learnt that hundreds of thousands of people can be auditioned in front of the judges in a matter of hours. One would have thought that there were endless rounds of pre-auditions that are never broadcast to narrow down the entrants into a group of misfits that will make the best telly (it is a good job they don’t deliberately pick people who are not very good so they can humiliate themselves in front of an audience!). As Louis Walsh said himself though, the best thing about X Factor is that you can see everything that happens behind the scenes; so presumably all the hundreds of thousands of people who turn up probably just change their minds before getting to the judges – or we would see them! Understandable I guess, it is daunting.
Moreover, we have learnt that making all the younger generations believe that success in the music industry is all down to being able to sing a good cover of a dull chart hit and then by sheer luck of personal circumstances win X Factor is good for music in general! Well if One Direction are so popular and that’s how they did it, it must be true! So kids, if you want to be a successful musician put down the guitar, stop playing the piano and burn that books of lyrics – all you need to do is get a silly haircut and start lip-synching to Beyoncé.
Also we have learnt that Simon Cowell is a very nice man. He has put so much time and effort into making pop stardom accessible to everyone (as long as they fit the very narrow criteria he has set for them) he definitely deserves more than the horrible reception he receives – seriously he should be Prime Minister. Personally I believe so much self-sacrifice deserves more than vast amounts of personal wealth, he should at least get a knighthood for services to musical homogeneity, or be made a Lord. He has done more for music than Andrew Lloyd Webber!
Finally the most important lesson we have learnt is that we can all be brought together by television; either the heart-warming sight of a minger being able to produce a voice like Julie Andrews or laughing at some deluded soul that has manage to come to a talent show despite the fact they aren’t very good! I have tears in my eyes from laughing about it.
It is clear that X Factor will not be leaving our screens for the foreseeable future, and what a relief it is too – how could a civilised society survive without this great statue of moral integrity. Thank you ITV, thank you Simon, thank you X Factor.