Dear Agony Aunt,
I just don’t know what to do. I am torn between Edgar Linton and Heathcliff. Heathcliff and I grew up together. He’s very dark and mysterious. But Edgar really, really likes me! I just can’t choose between them. No matter what metaphor I use to describe my relationships with both of them, I still can’t make up my mind. I can’t help but think I’m becoming a very irritating character, I just want to come across as the relatable girl-next-door that I am!
I also have real trouble keeping up with fashion because I live on a moor, and it’s so hard to keep up with the trends when there’s nobody to update me on whether I should be wearing crushed velvet or satin???
I’m so confused! Please help me!
Torn, Wuthering Heights
Dear Torn,
Yeah, I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a look over the chapters that you’re describing to me, and you seem to have a penchant for whining. I scanned ahead, and it looks like no matter who you choose, you’re not going to have a happy ending. If the pressure of having to decide is stressing you out, take a nice long bath, or have a spa day. And have you ever considered that there’s a whole world of guys out there who aren’t possessive maniacs or complete wet blankets? If it doesn’t work out with either of your current suitors, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
As far as the narrative goes, you’re never going to come across as “relatable”. I’m sorry, it’s just not your thing, but don’t worry, come 1978, a lovely young lady with crazy eyes and dance moves is going to write a cracking song about you.
In terms of fashion, start hitting the beauty blogs, depending how good the wireless connection is up there at Wuthering Heights, you can fritter hours and hours away just browsing through some user generated fash-tastic advice, knock yourself out.
Keep your chin up love – it’s only a gothic novel!
Yours
Agony Aunt