“SOMEONE MAKE IT STOP” has been my inevitable weekly reaction upon witnessing John and Edward perform 
again and again on Saturday night’s X Factor. I’ll be the first to admit my tastes are anything but high-brow. For example, last Saturday’s pre-drinking involved watching Merlin and playing Pokémon Monopoly. With habits like that, it’s no surprise that this year I finally succumbed to the pull of The X Factor’s guilty pleasure.
The show is everywhere. If you aren’t watching it, your friends are, and every year it spreads a little further. I tried to abstain from writing about it, I really did. I had hoped I could come up with something original and brilliant. I failed, though with good reason, because one thing I can not comprehend has been the carnival of crap that is John and Edward Grimes. The controversies surrounding them are still being smattered across news pages, and with TV deals apparently being offered it seems unlikely that they will just GO AWAY.
For me, watching John and Edward has been a bit like contracting a harmless STI. It won’t cause you any ill-health, yet you’d still prefer it wasn’t there. Week after week I found myself staring in disbelief at the screen as they survived to sing another day. I use the term “sing” very loosely, and for those few of you who have not heard the noise these creatures create, I envy you. But of course there’s so much more to a “Jedward” performance than just the racket. With a cruel mix of horror and intrigue, I watch from behind my hands as their spectacle of karaoke, frightful dancing, and unjustified cockiness plays out. Even on that rare occasion when the judges agreed that a particular performance was by far their “best”, that didn’t change the fact that it was still shit.
You would wonder why people who can’t sing are kept in a singing competition for so long, but it’s likely executive politics played a part here: controversy equals publicity equals viewers. The twins’ self-assured arrogance has been a ratings winner, and for me, the moment that best summarises how deluded the twins really are came when the two were discussing Calvin Harris’ invasion of the stage during one of their performances:
“Who is Calvin Harris?” one asks.
“Some wannabe” the other replies.
OH THE BLOODY IRONY!