WRATH OF HARRIS: PART DEUX
CALVIN HARRIS has been at it again, having had a go at GMTV Morning a couple of months ago. After being invited on to join the panel for ‘The Xtra Factor’, Harris felt this would be his best chance to mock another object of his hate, the X Factor contestants. He quickly made John and Edward his target, who have somehow become a nation obsession. And so, as the twins partook in their weekly routine of shuffling on the spot whilst trying to keep in time with each other, Harris ran onto the stage with a pineapple on his head and mockingly danced along. He was immediately ejected from the venue and banned from any future X Factor events. And I’m sure he was absolutely gutted, cause his actions clearly demonstrate his immense love for the television show. However, the main lesson to be learnt here is that no one is safe any more. Harris is everywhere, and soon he might come for you…
BECAUSE THE DRUGS JUST DON’T WORK
AMY WINEHOUSE isn’t addicted to crack anymore! Hooray! Instead she’s now addicted to plastic surgery! Hooray… Having recently had her breast enlarged, sources have suggested that she is now interested in bum
implants and further enlargements to her breasts. Someone should probably tell her that its not best to simply swap one addiction for another. But to be honest I think most of us have simply given up on the girl.
HESTON BLUMMIN’ MENTAL
HESTON BLUMENTHAL has decided that cooking up snail porridge and parsnip cereal is no longer enough. Now hes looking to get involved in the world of music, with the help of musician Matthew Herbert. Blumenthal has agreed to slaughter a pig and use its bones to create a woodwind instrument for Herberts new album One Pig, 
which will chart the life of the pig from birth till death. Unfortunately, much like his food, most people will give it a look, comment on how crazy and quirky it is, and then listen to the simplicity that is JLS. And that is why JLS will conquer our charts for years to come.
IS THIS THE FACE OF AN EVIL MASTERMIND?
PAUL McCARTNEY is apparently a dirty evil vegetarian whose word cannot be trusted. Or at least thats how Uk Independence Party member Paul Nuttall feels, accusing McCartney of propaganda in an attempt to spread
vegetarianism. He argues that people should have a choice over the matter, and that one popstars view on how ‘farting cows and pigs herald the end of mankind’ shouldn’t have any impact. However, this does come from the group that David Cameron has previously described as ‘fruit cakes’ and ‘closet racists’. Tough one, can’t really choose who to trust here. The warm, friendly, father like vegetarian, or the racist politician and his extremely right wing approach to politics.