Based on the first three books of the hugely successful The Saga of Darren Shan, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is yet another twi-hard desperately trying to cash in on the current vampire craze. Needless to say, it sucks.
Ostensibly about the author’s experiences as a young half-vampire, the plot is anaemic to say the least. On a visit to a travelling cirque du freak, young suburban teenager Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) recognises one of the performers, Larten Crepsly (John C. Reilly) as a vampire and asks to be bitten so that he can join their ranks. Crepsly initially refuses, but circumstances transpire in such a way that he is eventually left with no choice. This has dramatic consequences for Darren, Crepsley and a whole host of other supposedly kooky characters, including Evra Von the snake boy (Patrick Fugit) and love interest Rebecca (Jessica Carlson).
The plot is impossible to follow although, given the uninspiring acting and heavy-handed moralising, it’s unlikely you’ll care. This is Chris Massoglia’s film debut and given his bland performance it could well be his swansong too. More experienced actors such as Willem Dafoe, who has Oscar-nominated experience with the genre, and Salma Hayek, who has Oscar-nominated experience with atrocious facial hair, also flop around with worried expressions on their faces like children who have been seperated from their parents in Asda.
The final nail in the coffin is the hugely disappointing performance phoned in by John C. Reilly, whose choice of roles has been bloody awful of late. Paul Weitz’s insipid and motionless direction doesn’t bode well for the very obviously planned sequels. Hopefully, with all the laborious exposition out of the way he’ll be able to breath some more life into the next chapter of this undead franchise.