(Image Creds: Oliver Ashby)
The annual VC smackdown is easily the most important part of the Roses calendar. Forget Sugarrush. It’s the iconic final boss battle between York SU and LUSU that I’d pay an extortionate £8 to see.
Fortunately, this event was completely free to attend.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t that well-advertised and didn’t appear on the official Roses timetable, as we found out at 11.30 pm the night before it started. But that meant the event had a super secret, exclusive feel about it, altogether added to by the fact that the competition went
ahead in a darkly lit, cavernous saloon.
This meant that only the most clued-in, well-informed students with an encyclopedic knowledge of the event schedule filled the room. Naturally, Vision had a front row seat.
We only sussed out how the scoring worked at the end of the first round. But I’ll spare you the confusion and say we (eventually) figured out that it works so that both individuals start with 301 points, and they have to work down 0. It’s sort of like UNO, where the first person to lose all their cards wins. Only like way more intense. There’s much more pride at stake here.
The first pair to compete was the Activities Officer, Emily, against York SU’s very own Sports Officer, Darcy.
Emily started out in the lead, getting 92 points off the total in the first round and then another 52 points; whereas Darcy was trailing behind with only 42 and then 38 points off the total 301.
But after a few rounds, the tables quickly turned. (If only they were playing table tennis, like they did two years ago, that would have been a great joke).
Darcy got 42 points off, then 49, whilst Emily started to lag with 35. Despite the rocky start, York managed to scrape up a victory after Darcy won the first round for York.
Up next was the big showdown. In the red corner was Steve Decent (yes, that is his real surname, I looked it up). And he was facing off against the big Chazza J himself. Charlie Jeffery, the University of York’s Vice Chancellor.
The atmosphere was intense. Well. As intense as you would expect for a room filled with Students’ Union legislators.
York went first. In the first round, Steve went down to 272. But Charlie went lower, coming in at a 262. But in the next round, a massive (way more than just decent) throw from our opp Steve, took Lancaster down to 189.
It continued going down for a while until something funny happened. A stalemate of sorts. Charlie was at 28, whilst Steve was stuck at an agonising 5 points away from 0.
It stayed this way for a while. The nerves were high. Charlie started to sweat. The Sabbs downed their pints. York SU and LUCU staff were contemplating breaking their no-mindless-email-checking-during-roses streaks out of pure anxiety.
After an agonising amount of time, the score shifted. Charlie was at 9. Steve was at 4.
Then Charlie snuck down a bit more. It was neck and neck.
They both needed a win. They both needed a win.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime (edit: once a year) opportunity to seize the victory.
And yet for a while, nothing happened. They had both seemed to simultaneously develop performance anxiety. Maybe it was the two beers Charlie had later confessed to drinking prior to that had this effect. Maybe this was the inevitable consequence of putting two such dominant alpha males in such close proximity. Like hamsters.
The score stayed the same for some time. Was this some elaborate prank to make a statement about how the real of Roses was collaborating, and that the real winners were the friendships we developed along the way? Were they simply trying to make the most of the rented space? It was all so impossible to tell.
Eventually, Lancaster snuck down a bit. But this was after some time. It was clear that the physical effort needed to lift the heavy darts – combined with the fact that the sport was poorly scheduled to coincide with the VCs’ prime napping time – was taking its toll.
But it was Charlie who brought it home, his branded CJ merch shining like a diamond, Rhianna-style, as he stepped forward towards the edge. For a minute, I was terrified he was going to stage-dive. But thankfully, he seemed to decide against this.
We thought that was it. But then Lewis Parry stepped up to the plate to face Richard, the head of the trustee board at Lancaster. Not to be confused with Richard III, the infamous Yorkist defender of the throne in the War of the Roses in 1485. Bless him, I don’t think anyone told dear Dicky that he’s meant to be on our side.
Whilst their age difference was substantial, their scores were surprisingly similar. Lewis was narrowly chasing Richard down to 0 like he was a York landlord miserly over-charging students. And Richard was fighting back like he was…well, like Richard III would, I suppose.
We can only imagine what was running through Lewis’s head during these crucial final minutes. How can I ever cha cha my way back onto campus if I lose? Will this impact York’s chance of securing a win? Is it possible for me to run for Students Union’ Affairs Officer for a third time? All possible options.
At least his friends were being supportive. “If you miss, you need to resign,” perked the upcoming union affairs officer, Sam Dickinson.
When Lewis landed on a 17, a roar of “great age” came from those hidden in the darkness.
And with Jeffery watching ominously from the wings, there was a lot of pressure to secure a win.
But in the end, just like Richard III lost the battle, Lancaster lost the war, and Lewis won the match. It was a York whitewash.