Content warning: This article contains information that may be distressing, including repeated references to domestic abuse. Please be mindful of your own well-being when reading this article.
A York survivor of domestic abuse is fronting a Council-led campaign to help raise awareness about domestic violence, and encourage others to seek help.
The campaign, titled around a poem written by survivor Nikki, aims to raise awareness of coercive and controlling forms of domestic abuse ahead of Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day is frequently used by perpetrators to lull their victims further into abusive relationships, through emotional manipulation and controlling behaviour. A practice formally known as ‘love bombing’ is an example of this, where a partner may be shown excessive gifts in an attempt, by the perpetrator, to keep their victims close.
In this way, the campaign offers support to those communities at a time of increased vulnerability, encouraging others to speak out against forms of domestic violence.
The poem was read aloud by Nikki for the first time on Tuesday 4th of February at an event held for York businesses. Attendees also heard from support organisations such as IDAS, and Foundation, along with the council’s domestic abuse team.
The event also aimed to raise awareness about how employers and public-facing businesses can offer support to staff who face similar challenges, detailing common signs of abuse and signposting the necessary helplines.
Lucy Steels-Walshaw, Executive Member for Health, Wellbeing and Adult Social Care said that:
“This moving and powerful poem illustrates the deep emotional and psychological impacts of domestic abuse, which can make you feel unsafe in your own home and force you to doubt your self-worth.
“It’s incredibly inspiring to see a local survivor taking control of her own story and sharing it to raise awareness and help others who might be struggling behind closed doors.
“Sadly over 4,000 people in York are currently estimated to be experiencing domestic abuse, with a further 16,000 residents having experienced it at some point in their lives.
“I hope that this poem will resonate and go some way to making those experiencing domestic abuse realise that they’re not alone, and enable others to begin to understand what it’s like to feel trapped in an abusive relationship.”
The Poem will be broadcast on local radio in the lead up to Valentine’s day, published online and in print media and shared on social media to raise public awareness. A copy of the poem is attached below.
If I could tell myself
A poem by Nikki,
A survivor of domestic abuse
If I could tell myself,
That the romance, the joy,
That intoxicating feeling,
It wasn’t love.
It would be short lived.
It was a dupe,
A hoax,
A tragically well known pattern and ploy.
That the dreams and hopes we had were mine and mine alone.
That he never wanted to live them with me.
That he would criticise, accuse, threaten, confuse and destroy me,
Until I doubted every piece of my now dusty mind, body and soul.
That this so-called love
would become fear.
Fear of what wrong I would do that day,
Fear of what he would seek to find
And manipulate.
Fear of simply being me
And the consequences.
That through fear,
I would lose myself.
I would lose confidence.
I would lose friends and independence.
I would lose rational thought
That this is exactly where he wanted me
So confused I would romanticise the love we once had
SO desperate to get it back I would cling
Onto any ounce of conniving kindness.
So trapped and hopeless that saying in fear was better than attempting escape.
If I could tell myself,
That this was not love,
That this was not my fault,
That there was a way out, I would.
And I would wrap my arms around the scared shell of a woman and hold her.
I would hold her and hold her some more,
Until she felt the warmth of my heart and the safety of my embrace
Until she remembered who she was
And believed she could be again
You can watch a narration of the poem here.
If you’re concerned about your relationship, or that of someone you know, speak to someone you trust, or can find advice and support from IDAS, either online or by calling 03000 110 110.
Support is also available for those causing harm from Foundation’s Positive Choices programme or by calling 01904 557491.