300ft statue of Elizabeth II will bring people to Hes East


A 300ft tall statue of the Queen will be erected on campus on June 11 to honour Her Majesty's 90th birthday.

Although originally planned to be a bronze statue, the University instead decided to import a block of high quality marble from Tuscany to chisel down into the likeness of the Queen.

A request made under the Freedom of Information Act has revealed the cost of the statue will likely exceed £500,000 – however the University insists it is affordable as it has cut its marketing budget by a roughly equal amount.

The exact location of the statue is as of yet undisclosed but York Vision can exclusively reveal it is to be erected on Heslington East in the hope it will encourage people to actually go there.

An artists impression commisioned by this newspaper shows how imposing the statue will be.

The University initially asked the Queen herself to unveil the statue, however an official spokesman for the Royal Family politely informed the management: "Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth II will be too busy enjoying her birthday celebrations to trudge all the way up north, where she doesn't even have a palace."

Unfortunately, the University has been dumped with Prince Andrew instead to unveil the statue on June 11.

Bertrum Hamilton-Low, a third year Classics student who is distantly related to Her Majesty, was thrilled at the news: "I'm jolly chuffed all those lefities who run the damn place have finally seen reason and have decided to commemorate an event all people up and down the country will enjoy."

"Salvam fac reginam, O Domine," he added.

John Smith, a first year politics student and member of the Socialist Workers Party was less enthused: "I for one am utterly outraged the University has decided to celebrate privilege when some people still have to live in Halifax.

"This is completely typical of an institution stuffed full of posh overprivilleged students, but the worst thing about it is that the proletariat seem just as excited about it as the bourgeoisie!"

Patriotic songs and anthems including Rule Brittannia!JerusalemLand of Hope and Glory and, of course, God Save the Queen will be sung during the ceremony accompanied by the University's very own brass band from the music department.

David Duncan, University secretary and registrar, said: "Although this may seem like a great expense now I assure you it is necessary in order to keep us in good favour with the right people which will hopefully lead to good things further down the line."

12pm update: Only kidding – happy April Fools' Day!