What a Load of Cram

The only thing that is interesting about Paula Radcliffe is that she shits in the street. Tellingly she also has the charisma of a stale turd. In fact the only thing that renders her human is her astonishing capacity to injure herself.

So imagine my abject horror when the BBC decided in all their wisdom to place her in the commentary box for their curling coverage. As if Steve Cram wasn’t enough. Now, just to clarify, Auntie Beeb’s Winter Olympics coverage has largely been spot on, satisfying the wide eyed newcomer and seasoned winter sport’s viewer. Yet its overtly Anglo-centric approach has severely marred my enjoyment of Vancouver 2010.

The Winter Olympics are brilliant entertainment because they differ so markedly from the standard sport’s viewing experience. The BBC however unduly weight their coverage towards events in which Great Britain have a slightly less slim chance of winning a medal than others. That means one event is repeated and repeated until we are convinced its entertaining, yes you’ve guessed it… Curling.

This would not be so much of a problem if their coverage was not so piss poor. Rhona Martin naturally provides inciteful and interesting commentary, the antidote to Cram’s confused patter. She is the only saving grace for a sport that is fundamentally unsuited to television viewing. Speaking of which… Paula Radcliffe.

Our Paula cut a bewildered figure during yesterday’s coverage having stumbled into the commentary box on her way to the toilet. Within five minutes, or it could have been hours, hard to tell, she had admitted “I don’t really know anything about curling”… Get out of the fucking commentary box then.

Her contributions consisted of verbal non-entities like “It’s really hard in the Olympics” and “Its getting very tense” (She said that one in the second end, about 5 days from the end of the match). For a corporation whose sport coverage rarely errs from perfection, this was a sorry sorry episode. At one point Martin appeared distraught at her compatriots fundamental lack of understanding of her beloved Curling. As Cram moaned “You see, Paula and I don’t understand this”, her face visibly sagged, although that could have been the cake.

Coming along once every four years, the Winter Olympics is a breath of fresh icy air in the temporarily barren sporting landscape, but the enjoyment of Vancouver 2010 has been hampered by the BBC’s misunderstanding of its audience. People tune in to the games to see a superhuman feet of endurance, snowboarders defying gravity, or toned athletes literally flying through the air. These however are relegated to red button viewing, with preference given to British athletes limping sorrily one after another into double figure finishes.