14TH FEBRUARY. National flirting day. Today is the day students across the UK will up their romantic prowess, and find new and exciting ways to celebrate love.
Some will indulge in chocolate and poems, pink champagne or a trip to Ann Summers. However, if you were in Durham tonight, you wouldn’t be celebrating your valentine’s day with a loved one, or dancing sadly to ‘Lonely’ by Akon in Willow. No. They have a celebration tonight that far outstrips anything we might be put on – they will be spending their night with “THE STARS.” Durham is offering students the chance to win (or buy) tickets, worth a glamorous £25 each, for an evening with Made in Chelsea stars Hugo and Spencer, canapés and champagne on campus.
However, there will be a fair few readers who consider this much too tame (or rah… or boring) for them. To these readers, I would like to direct you to Exeter, which has recently published in their paper Exeter Drop, ‘No Rules, No Roof: A Student Guide To Sex On Campus.’ This is a list of the best places to have sex on campus.
Although this probably won’t involve celebrities, (we’ll leave that to our northern counterparts and their Doxbridge delusions) the article comes with a helpful map and list of dos and don’ts, including advice not to “bare all” and avoid “criminal offence.”
Wherever and whoever you spend your Valentine’s day with, can I recommend you avoid snuggling up with Warwick student journalists? They were recently criticised for an article in The Boar, for comparing sticky club floors to “the netball girls’ insides.” Nice.
Whether you’re a Warwick journalist, staring longingly at Spencer, or expectantly wondering around Exeter campus, sex might be on the brain tonight. For the past few weeks however, it seems many student journalists have had “wanking” on the mind.
A flourish of fake news stories, in which false university reprimands warning students against “masturbation” have been published. This latest fad, beginning originally in Cambridge, welcomed this term as the “Manc Prank Wank” story. This was the story that students at Manchester had been “asked by staff” to refrain from “five knuckle-shuffling” in shower facilities, damaging “£2000” worth of drains.
York students have also recently followed suit, with a similar faked poster regarding masturbation in communal showers posted on Facebook. Lovely…