Examined through the lens of post-finals psychological and soul eroding stress, this essay will argue that the author is wowfully underprepared to write this comment piece, having been too preoccupied bargaining with library printers (PLEASE WORK. PLEASE PLEASE WORK. I’LL DO THE PRINTER DANCE FOR YOU… I’LL TICKLE YOUR INK CARTRIDGES… I’LL MAKE SURE YOU’RE SUPLIED WITH ONLY THE SHINEST PAPER. I’LL DO ANYTHING) and asking tutors if they could “just pretend you are my mum and hug me”, to have looked at the news at all.
Nonetheless this essay will attempt to say something vaguely insightful about politicians sex lives, because that is her topic, (she wanted to write about the badger cull), and because the topic isn’t Orientalism, and therefore she might actually know something about it. Sort of. I’m talking about sex. And In light of the plethora of essays she’s currently written, all extremely badly, this essay will follow the international essay structure… because she’s pretty sure her brain has been permanently damaged by the trauma of third year.
Due to the nature of this essay, (a university comment piece), the author would absolutely LOVE to make this essay topical and write about the SAAB’s sex lives. However, very sadly, I don’t actually know anything about them. Nothing. For all I know Kallum Taylor could have a sordid affinity for tickling Brain Cantor’s ink cartridges. He probably does. But I don’t know about it. So this author has been reduced to talking about those politicians who actually are politicians, and discussing their sex lives; the information for which has been helpfully supplied by the Daily Mail (please see this essay’s methodology and bibliography for full details). And, as with all second rate university essays, this essay will be pulling together two only vaguely related concepts and failing to turn them into anything other than a pointlessly overcomplicated word vomit. So this essay is also about homophobia. The author is also definitely guilty of plagiarism. She’s pretty sure she read this idea somewhere else.
This essay will argue that either everyone’s sex life is an informative topic for people’s conversations and judgements; or it isn’t. Consider for a moment how Boris Johnson is basically a modern day Eton educated Genghis Khan. Give us 500 years and 9/10 people will be related to him, all of them blond, all of them occasionally shouting “bulli bulli bulli”, all of them unable to control the worm at the bottom of the garden. Politicians as a breed of human are notorious for their dishonesty, their affairs… forcing their wives pay their speeding fines… allow private companies to influence Parliament… accidentally becoming Adolf Hitler. They themselves are frequently unable to keep together that family unit that they’re so into, and as indicated by the Levison Enquiry (hello topical knowledge, congratulations Helena) pretty upset when those equally limp Daily Mail figures insert one finger into the wet mess of their families lives and pull out one squalling miserable little scandal at a time. They don’t like it. It’s their own private business. Bad Daily Mail journalists, bad. Yes. Excellent. I agree.
If this is the case then, however, politicians really ought to relinquish that tight control and obsessive interest in the sex lives of their citizens and get off their high horse on Gay Marriage. I’m slightly trying to avoid the religious aspect of this, because although I think that the Church’s position on women and homosexuals is mad, bad and dangerous, it requires a much higher calibre comment piece to the one I’m currently providing you with and a far more sympathetic tone of voice. Those politicians with their fear of “aggressive homosexuals” and “lesbian Queens” should be placed in a dark room with a wet flannel over their heads and told to breath deeply whilst the rest of us get on with our lives. The world is attempting to become a more equal and freer world. Everyone should have as much opportunity to ruin their marriages and break the vows they’ve taken as those lucky aggressively heterosexual politicians. They might even do a better job of it. They probably will. It would be hard not to.
And so, in conclusion Oh Mighty Politicians, I think we should all take some time to consider who should or should not be throwing the first stone.
“For all I know Kallum Taylor could have a sordid affinity for tickling Brain Cantor’s ink cartridges. He probably does. But I don’t know about it.”
This really made me laugh. I don’t think anything in student media has actually made me laugh.