Last year Keir Starmer, the Director of Public Prosecutions and a Human Rights Advisor, warned that teenage girls between 16 and 19, closely followed by girls aged 20 and 24, are now the group most at risk of domestic violence.
If you Google ‘teen domestic violence’, many results will come from Women’s Aid, but it is hugely important to remember that between 2008-2009 (the most recent data available from the Home Office), it was men that were the victims of 40% of domestic violence cases. Furthermore, T.E.A.R (Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships) state that more than one in four teenagers in a relationship reported enduring repeated verbal abuse and, sadly, nearly eighty per cent of girls that have been victims of physical abuse within a relationship continue to date the abuser.
In light of these shockingly high statistics, I found it important to explore the topic thoroughly by talking to someone directly affected by domestic abuse throughout their teenage years, before concluding that not only should young people be made more aware of the risks, but that it should be studied as part of the curriculum.
Student Rebecca*, now in her twenties, was 15 years old when she started seeing Mark*. When I met her to speak about her experience in that relationship, she explained that at the start it was nothing but a loving, tight bond between the pair. “We started off very intensely, spending most of our time together and when we weren’t together, we would speak on the phone for hours. We said that we loved each other very early on and we actually ended up being together for about three years in total.” It is often in these initial stages of a relationship, especially when we are young and less experienced, when we may get disillusioned by the relationship and not notice the signs that things are going wrong.
I asked Rebecca when she realised her relationship with Mark was not quite right and she noted that “he was quite possessive, but I didn’t think anything of it to begin with. Then the possessiveness would gradually turn into stronger reactions and then into anger. It crept up on me and without me realising, it got to the point where he was telling me where to be and when, not letting me leave his house if I wanted to and physically locking me in his room.” It is at this point, observes the information website ‘Domestic Violence’ (www.domesticviolence.co.uk), that victims may try and make excuses for their partner. In the list of ten myths about domestic violence provided on the website, they list “it is because of all the terrible things his or her parents did” as an excuse for the abuse, but go on to explain that “it is a conscious decision to harm a loved one, and no amount of past mistakes or history make domestic violence or spousal abuse right.”
The statistic that eighty per cent of abused women stay with their partner is easy to understand when considering that it is usually a gradual, almost unnoticeable change, along with a drop in self-esteem from the victim, which causes them to blame themselves for what is being inflicted upon them. Rebecca explains how, “aside from the physical abuse there was also the verbal abuse; he would tell me that I was fat and unattractive, that I was stupid and boring and that the only thing he wanted me for was sex.” This verbal abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse as, though it may not be noticeable on the surface, it can cause terribly low self-esteem.
This is very worrying, especially as teenage years are such a peak time for development, for finding one’s own character and ‘way in the world’. Rebecca went on to say, “when he started to physically abuse me, I had such low self-esteem that I didn’t even care what happened to me, because I felt like nothing.”
Although this sad story strikes a chord within many young women and men across the country and indeed across the world suffering from domestic abuse, it is the ending that inspired me most. When I asked Rebecca how she left the relationship, she said that it took one final moment of abuse for her to realise that she deserved better.
“We were at a festival and he had been standing behind me whilst all our friends listened to a band, whispering in my ear that I was a whore and that I was disgusting, pulling my hair back sharply so I couldn’t move. All my friends saw but didn’t say anything, maybe they felt awkward because it was hard to watch. I realised there and then that the only way I was going to escape him was to take charge of my life and demand better for myself, and try to regain what he had taken from my confidence.”
Rebecca was 18 at this point and although running away is not always feasible or the right thing to do, this time Rebecca took the opportunity to do something amazing that she had wanted to do for a long time, but that she may not have had the confidence or indeed the capacity to do before. “He would never let me leave him, he would physically restrain me from leaving him, but one day I left him a letter and snuck out when he was sleeping and changed my number.
I had been working for a while, had a bit of money saved up, so took what I had, and booked the next flight to South East Asia and left to go travelling and try to come to terms with what had happened in the last three years of my life.” Getting over something like this is never easy, as Rebecca explains, “The day I got there I just cried to a complete stranger” but what stories such as Rebecca’s do is prove to people in a similar situation that you can accept that you deserve better and you can walk away.
When I, astounded by her bravery and her determinedness to set an example to others, asked what inspired Rebecca’s courage that day, she described her grandmother, who many years ago, sadly, was faced with the same situation. Married at 17 and having children immediately afterwards, she too was a victim of teenage domestic abuse.
“Her husband was verbally and physically abusive; he prevented her from going to college to get a teaching degree, as this would give her freedom from him. However, one day she decided to take control and enrolled in night classes at a local college; she would study while he was asleep. As soon as she got her degree, she took her kids and left him and worked her way up to eventually become the head teacher of a primary school.”
Rebecca and her Nan’s story are both inspirational and in her words “these are individual examples but the message is exactly the same.” She points out that although “verbal abuse is harder to spot” you must consider “if they are making you feel low, draining your confidence and making your life worse”.
If they are, this is not love, this is abuse. Domestic abuse, be it physical or verbal, directly affects self esteem and remains a large project for both the government and NGOs to increase awareness and help those suffering in silence. As Chief constable Carmel Napier, the Association of Chief Police Officers’ lead on domestic violence, said to the Guardian, “we need to work in schools, colleges and universities to educate young women and men about self-esteem, self respect, and to have mechanisms in place so people can report problems.”
Personally, I cannot recall a single PSHE (Personal Social Health Education) lesson that covered domestic violence, though I spent at least ten learning how to spot a stale biscuit or an off yoghurt (important, I know, but not exactly on the same scale). The website www.thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk provides a very factual and supportive website for teens and even includes discussion boards where help and advice can be offered if required; it is important that services such as this are publicised and talked about openly.
On Wednesday 29th February 2012, Reese Witherspoon, the American star who shot to fame in teen favourite Legally Blonde and now the global ambassador for Avon’s campaign to help those suffering domestic violence, told People magazine that she talks to her children, Ava, 12 and Deacon, 8, about the issue of domestic violence, especially as her daughter is nearly old enough to be in a relationship herself. She said, “we talk about domestic violence and what that means… Although the concept is somewhat foreign to them, they’re starting to understand that this happens to families in our country and all throughout the world.”
This education is something that is vitally important. Kitty Tester, a second year Philosophy student who has volunteered in schools, completely agrees with Witherspoon’s frank approach to speaking about the subject with her children: “I believe it’s crucial to raise awareness of domestic violence in any capacity in schools and colleges as it can be a confusing and difficult subject to explain, and for adolescents to spot. I think that covering this topic within the curriculum would give young people the knowledge and confidence to be able to speak up or make a change in their own lives, or in that of a friends and go some way to changing the high statistics of young people suffering abuse.”
When I asked Rebecca if she felt putting the issue on the curriculum would make a difference to the number of teens living with an abusive relationship and feeling there is nothing they can do to change their situation, she said “teaching young people about what the personal boundaries in relationships are would help people to recognise sooner when they are in a destructive relationship and if their own rights are being violated.”
When I mentioned the lack of inclusion of the issue in school curriculum, meaning many helplines and websites remain under the radar, she hastily agreed and said that “teaching young people about what they can do if they get into a destructive relationship would be beneficial, because most of the time, it’s a feeling of isolation and that no-one would believe you or be able to help you, so knowing that there are people and services which can help them should be taught to everyone.”
As these alarming statistics on teenage domestic abuse continue to rise, and attention is turned to what is undoubtedly a global problem, it is time to lift the lid on what it is really like to be in an abusive relationship and alert young people to the prospect of it happening to them, how to spot it if it does and who to turn to in order to get help leaving, if they feel they are trapped.
Rebecca offers this poignant message to others dealing with domestic violence; “take control and know that you don’t deserve this, you deserve better and you can get better, don’t stay in a relationship that’s abusive just because you don’t think anyone else will love you, they will.” And it is this message that I feel should be emblazoned in every PSHE folder in the country.
Bob Hughes, the YUSU Welfare Officer offers this advice to anyone suffering domestic abuse: “If you’re worried that you or a friend might be suffering from domestic abuse, there are plenty of people you can talk to in confidence. You can talk privately with YUSU’s Advice and Support Centre in James College, talk to services like Nightline or contact Open Door, the on-campus counselling service. All of these services can help you safely and privately discuss your concerns, even those about a friend or housemate, and offer you information and support throughout. Please don’t suffer in silence: even if you’re unsure about what’s happening or how to talk about it, there are plenty of people here to make sure you can get support.”
*Names have been changed for confidentiality.
Domestic violence is a criminal offence.
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, there are many people you can talk to and resources to look at:
www.teensagainstabuse.org
www.domesticviolence.org
Nightline (a confidential listening and information service): visit the flat in Wentworth E Block, call 01904 323735 or email [email protected] (open any night in term-time 8pm-8am but emails can be sent 24/7)
Open Door: email [email protected]