Valentine’s Day and cinema; the two do go together. Getting ideas for films to watch on February 14th isn’t exactly difficult: Notting Hill, The Notebook, About Time, any Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan film, even Valentine’s Day. With these heart-warming romances in mind, steer well clear of these if you’re planning on a bit of feature length media and chill on the day itself.
Gone Girl
David Fincher’s superb adaptation of Gillian Flynn’s novel about what really goes on between a married couple (as well as a general skewering of social and mass media) is a film that I have pledged to never watch with my girlfriend, though it may not be the most viscerally shocking on this list. The way it reveals layers of depth and deceit, and gets more and more under your skin as it goes on until you’re left drained and completely unsure what to think about the two protagonists is enough to make even the most steadfast couple suspicious of one another.
Sátántangó
If you’re looking to get the romantic and/or bodily juices flowing, you could really do a lot better than this 1994 pic. It’s black and white. It’s described by Wikipedia as an ‘apocalyptic art drama.’ It’s Hungarian (nothing against foreign films, but have you ever tried to speak Hungarian? Might as well be Martian). Most anti-aphrodisiac of all its qualities is its running time, which clocks in at a cool 432 minutes. This one will most likely bore you and your partner to opposite ends of the bed/couch.
The Birth of a Nation
This is a 190 minute epic film from 1915 that is celebrated for its technical innovations such as the first film with an orchestral score and tracing shots amongst other things; the film’s entry in the 2013 edition of 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die states that ‘virtually every film is beholden to it in one way, shape, or form.’ Technically innovations aside, it is also virulently racist, framing the story of the American Civil War as one which shattered US unity, unity which could only be restored by the “brave members” of the Ku Klux Klan. This may make you seriously doubt your partner’s political leanings if they suggest this and a cuddle.
A Serbian Film
Eh, I don’t know, maybe there’s a very freaky couple out there who find this film’s graphic violence and sexual content intensely stimulating, in which case they’re made for each other. By now most of you reading will probably be aware of this Serbian horror from 2010, which is about a porn star accepting a gig in a bid to secure his family’s financial security. From there, things rapidly go very far downhill. Seriously. The content is best left to scanning the plot synopsis online, or going the distance and watching the film in its entirety. Alone. Definitely not with your partner on Valentine’s Day.
Audition (Odishon)
This Japanese film from the prolific Takashi Miike has been cited by such filmmakers as Eli Roth and John Landis as very difficult to watch, and features some wince inducing torture. A Japanese widower is encouraged to get back on the dating scene by his teenage son. His friend, a film producer, devises a mock audition process for the part of his new girlfriend. He becomes infatuated with one particular young woman, but her whereabouts after their initial meeting prove elusive. When the widower is finally able to track her down again, he discovers he gets a lot more than he bargained for. Safe to say it ain’t romance that’s in store for the two, and it won’t be for you two either if you think that popping this on amidst the mood lighting and rose petals is a good idea.