Agony Uncles

 

Is this the end of Agony Uncles? Maybe now you can get on with your lives…

 

Q: How do you think I should celebrate graduation?

Nicholas – You should end this chapter of life just as you began it – a bright eyed, confused, awkward wreck. Remember when you first turned up, young, dumb and uneasy? Well, university has eradicated youth, but we’re no Oxbridge and you’re still not a fully functioning human being, so we’ll work with the last two. Spend your last few weeks trying to enjoy what might have been. That short girl in your seminar you always thought looked attractive when you were sloshed? Try that chat-up line you attempted in first year – the shock of having to leave the university womb has probably lowered her self-respect. Ask directions to everything. Finally, give your oldest and dearest chums the five most devastating words for any friendship: “Hello! Nice to meet you”. They’ll never forget you…

Jack – If you seriously have to ask this question you are obviously so mentally backward that you are either not going to graduate or you are a Politics student. (1) Finish your last exam and feel like you have actually worked really hard, even though you know you haven’t and frankly, you have been winging it for the past three years. (2) Celebrate an awkwardly drunken evening with your fellow coursemates, because your actual friends haven’t finished yet. (3) Have a proper drunken evening with your mates. (4) Repeat step three numerous times. (5) Tell that person that you always hated that you always hated them. (6) Repeat step three numerous times. (7) Realise that you are essentially now an unemployed drain on society. (8) May I suggest you do a master’s?

 

 

Q: Help! I’ve got nothing sorted for after I leave uni!

Nicholas – I can only assume you’re the spitting image of Mary Bale (she put that cat in that wheelie bin AND THAT’S CLEARLY WORSE THAN MURDER) or you’re a History of Art student, because the current job market means there’s a job for everyone! Anyway, have you considered some of the most attractive jobs available to graduates at the moment? Firstly, there’s a wonderful scheme at News International, as in telemarketing and if you’re lucky, you might even avoid the Leveson Enquiry. Secondly, Greggs are hiring shop managers, but the government now takes 20% of your wage. Finally, you could just go back to working in your summer job, when your entire degree amounts to “Would you like fries with that?” and your self-respect will be lower than your wage packet. ENJOY.

Jack – Not having anything sorted is by far, the best option. Look at the people who actually got on to the graduate schemes they wanted. They are dull looking fellows, aren’t they? A whole race of slack-jawed mindless saliva swallowers who are still impressed by different flavours of hummus. It’s true that no one in sixth-form or the careers service ever told you this because it is slightly worrying, but no one actually plans their life. Life is like falling down the Willow stairs. You can’t stop it; you can only let it happen. If you plan your life you are only organising your own disappointment. Alternatively, you could just apply to do a master’s?

 

 

Q: How do I avoid moving back to my hometown?

Nicholas – Having to go back to the metaphoric nest is perhaps more uncomfortable than having to spend a month living in an actual bird’s nest. Not only do your family think you’re a failure, but they’re probably right (we understand an agony uncle is probably meant to be supportive, but my opinion of you is rock bottom if you have to ask us for advice). To avoid all of this, just stay here. Firstly, you could become the Student Union President, a notoriously easy job to get (judging my this year’s elections, you simply need some tight trousers and a regional accent – a winning combination). Secondly, you could just keep turning up for lectures and seminars, because no one really knows anyone. Thirdly, why not pretend you have amnesia and need to repeat your degree? Having to lie for life is better than going home.

Jack – The United Kingdom is famed for its convenient and commercial transport networks, so here are a range of options. STA Travel is currently offering a very reasonably priced plane ticket on Kuwait Airlines flying from Heathrow to Mumbai for just over £400. Alternatively, if you wanted to stay on this sceptred isle you could use the horrendously privatised rail service. I see a ticket from York to the lovely Scottish town of Oban will set you back £70 and only take seven hours. If you are trying to run away on a budget, how about the under a tenner bargain of a one way coach ticket to Middlesborough? The possibilities really are endless. If neither Mumbai nor Oban and not even Middlesborough take your fancy, you could just do a master’s?