Here’s to another year of rabble-rousing
Welcome back dear reader. I hope you had a great #Christmas, with plenty of selfies around the Christmas tree, copious photos of the #delicious food you had and loads of evidence of the great #gifts you got. After stalking you all on facebook, I am almost certain that hollywood is on the verge of recruiting some great talent; you are all such fantastic actors after all.
But I digress. We’re back for another term; another 10 weeks of procrastination, debauchery, and wondering why the government would subsidize us to do fuck all for three years. And if this year is anything like the last, oh boy are we in for a treat!
With pleasantries out of the way (yes that counts as pleasantries), I thought I would indulge in the age old tradition of looking back to 2015’s best moments and seeing what we can learn from them.
Yes it’s lazy, but I’m not sure you of all people are in a position to judge me. Especially when we cast our minds back to that thing you did when you were younger. Yes, I know about that. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me; for the time being.
2015 saw the greatest shit-storm to ever grace the Russel Group, the cancellation of International Men’s day. First years; I really hope you don’t take it for granted. I have been at this institution for 2 and a half years, and never have I witnessed a shit-storm as epic in scope or as gripping in its staying power. There were of course some unfortunate casualties, but no-one can deny that there is something truly special about knowing that the whole campus is in uproar about something. May 2016 have plenty of exciting debates without the online harassment.
2015 was also the year that I turned 20, another momentous occasion to tell your grand kids about. To those that haven’t had the misfortune of entering their adult life, let me tell you, setting up a linkedin is just about as soul destroying as it sounds. I highly recommend staying blissfully unaware of the harsh realities of the real world until at least the age of 27; that’s a masters and Phd right?
Ahh and my personal favourite, 2015 was the year the University of York got relegated to the 22nd place in the Guardian league table. You may try to repress the memory but I doubt your future employers will extend you that same courtesy. Might as well try and deal with it, no?
Now, normally, a new year’s resolution is a personal set of goals reserved for those that wish to better themselves. But seeing as this column is all about shamelessly judging absolutely everyone but myself, I thought it would be appropriate to lay out a new year’s resolution for the University, and society at large. And before you ask, no, becoming a good columnist is not on my personal list of goals.
Ok, here’s my first one; why don’t we all agree to stop nitpicking in an attempt to feel better about ourselves? Everyone knows that one annoying kid at school. You know, the one that has absolutely nothing of substance to contribute, so settles for irrelevant corrections. ‘Well actually miss, the answer is 6.723, not 6.724.’
Well, the people behind the campaign to end #prayforparis are ‘that’ kid all grown up. Yes, technically, we should be ‘praying’ for loads of countries that have experienced terrorism. But come on, let us mourn and revel in our own hypocrisy in peace. We don’t need special little snowflakes shouting in our proverbial ears to remind us of our very apparent moral inconsistency.
Here’s another one. Let’s try reading books again and no, your course readings don’t count. It may or may not surprise you dear reader, that there is such a thing as extended pieces of writing that do not come in the form of top ten lists. It may also shock you to know that books do not actually have gifs in them.
While it may be difficult for ‘Heart of Darkness’ or ‘1984’ to compete with great literary accomplishments like ‘22 products that will help you channel your inner dog lady,’ there is some merit to reading classic literature. Namely, to see how long it takes you to reach for your phone.
Finally, why don’t you all stop hating on Derwent? Now, I do understand where you are coming from. Knowing that there is a college that is so vastly superior to your own is difficult. I mean, we have the central location, courtyard, Big D, Rob Aitken and character building accommodation. Because if 1960’s style accommodation riddled with Asbestos does not make you a stronger person, you’re probably an ensuite ponce.
But on a slightly more serious note, why don’t we agree to say, hate on Vanbrugh this year? After all, they do house all campus media. Something to think about there.
Anyway, that’s enough outta me. If nothing else, 2016 will hopefully be the year that I graduate. So you won’t have to put up with my shit in 5 months from now.
Random thoughts of questionable significance
A library ramble
You can tell a lot about a man by the part of the library he uses. If the Harry Fairhust building was a person, he would be fun, outgoing, a gentleman of leisure and when the time arose (2 days before the deadline), a hard worker.
Whereas the JB Morrell would be that friend that fails to see the point of fun at University. After all, ‘fun is for when you are retired!’ he would surely retort.
JB Morrell has probably applied to a dozen law firms and has a salary expectation of 30k. Fairhust is hoping for a 2/1 to do a masters in politics; and despite this I’d much rather have him over for a houseparty than Morrell.
And yes, I disgraced the memory of two men for a cheap anecdote about library attendees. Sue me.
The Vanbrugh Paradise is reaching the end of its construction and it looks…pretty good actually. It would seem that the university behind the construction of Derwent college has managed to create an architecturally sound and rather attractive space to hang out in.
Perhaps the University realized that it needed a second picturesque space to stick on the website. Trying to attract prospective students with dozens of pictures of Heslington Hall can only fool so many people.
Oh and I’d appreciate it if you could do me a quick favour. Whenever you pass by the Vanbrugh Paradise, sing the jolly little tune below. It’s sure to impress your friends. Promise.
As I walk through the shadow of the valley of Hes’
I take a look to the East and thank god I’m on the West
Cause I’ve been yackin’ and slackin’ so long
That, even my Moma thinks I’m an Oxford reject
Been spending most our lives living in a Vanbrugh Pardise
Watch ducks fuck once or twice living in a Vanbrugh Paradise
Hard drugs our only vice living in a Vanbrugh Paradise
Chillin’ with rats and mice livin’ in a Vanbrugh Paradise.
Written by Callum Shannon
Produced by Costas Mourselas (So I did fuck all, basically).
Contributed by Panopticon on Facebook.
If you don’t get the joke, he’s proven his point rather well.