Column: Costas Mourselas

NUS
Contributed by Panopticon on Facebook.

It's time to vote leave…the NUS!

Welcome back dear readers! Did you miss me? Of course you did. I mean, if I were you, I’d miss me. I’d miss me a lot. If you were in York over Easter and paid the occasional visit to the Harry Fairhurst, you may have spotted me sprawled over the sofas on the second floor. Yes, I spent the entirety of my Easter in the library, and no, I don’t want to talk about it.

On the subject of studying, let’s talk about procrastination. I am certain that you, like me, failed to do nearly as much work as you should have. You’ll be glad to hear that during my ‘well deserved’ impromptu study breaks, I managed to come up with a theory regarding our utter failure to properly pace ourselves during study periods. I humbly present to you, ‘Mourselas’ razor,’ a comprehensive explanation to the question we’re all pondering but really shouldn’t because we have exams in three weeks time. 

The theory is quite simple; when trying to gauge the amount of time a piece of work will take you, make a reasonable prediction and double it. But there’s a catch. If you use this ingenious razor and double your expected working times, you will end up having to double those as well, since you will inevitably take far more ‘well deserved’ breaks given this new time frame. No need to thank me for this nifty piece of advice; I’m far too humble to accept donations at my Paypal costas.m@bigshotjournalist.com.

Now that we’re on the subject of my unparalleled humility, it might please you to know that I won a national award for best comment! Of course, I came second place, but would you expect anything else from a student at the University of ‘not quite good enough?’ And yes, me winning an award for my columns is a great reason for thinking that journalism is doomed. Perhaps even a better reason than The Tab.

By the way, there has been a disturbing trend on Facebook lately; an obsession with tagging friends in utterly unfunny posts. These posts ask users to tag friends that do x; x usually being something less than dignified. The culture of tagging your mates has always been an obnoxious reminder that you added far too many friends in high school, but it’s back in a big way. 

Of course, tagging culture has had somewhat of a pleasant side effect; it’s very easy to spot the absolute morons that you may or may not have to encounter at some point in your life. But to those of you that do tag your mates, where does the appeal come from? Is it really that funny to ‘tag a mate with a hot sister?’ Or to ‘@ the letter ‘b’; whoever comes up now owes you 20 pounds?’ Here’s another one for you. ‘If you found any of the above examples remotely entertaining, send me your credit card details.’ Or simply throw yourself of library bridge. I’m not picky. 

TAG A MATEIn other news, I’m leaving this university in three months. Three. Fucking. Months. Grad schemes have failed me. A future in journalism looks bleak. The corporate is beckoning, the faceless men in suits twirling their moustaches while affording a small gleeful smile. Soon, they would win. Another generation of wide eyed graduates would settle down, get boring jobs, and you know, actually contribute to society. Of course, contributing to society as a ‘senior sales manager’ or ‘chief project coordinator’ is a fate I intend to avoid if it’s the last thing I do. I haven’t blagged my way through countless essays just to end up doing honest work. 

Maybe I’ll go travelling. Maybe I’ll help build some schools in central Africa, do some volunteering and tell absolutely everyone when I get back. After all, the corporate world wants ‘well rounded people.’ And everyone knows that narcissists that think they’re better than everyone else are the very definition of well rounded. Maybe I’ll stop being such a sarcastic bastard. Anything is possible!

Oh, and a last thing I wanted to discuss. There has been talk, and by talk I mean shouting, about calling a referendum regarding our membership of the NUS. To those of you that don’t know, this renewed interest in disaffiliation has been triggered by the ‘election’ of NUS president Malia Bouattia, a figure controversial enough to make Katie Hopkins blush. And while it would be ridiculous to assert that she is the spawn of Satan (though the tenuous links do exist), she has failed to condemn ISIS, the one organization that is so evil, it has inspired co-operation between arch enemies on the global stage; the United States and Russia.

The NUS has also notoriously been accused of being undemocratic, with its delegates representing a meagre 5 percent of students; a mandate so weak, it would impress most 20th century dictators. Worst of all, the NUS has voted to restrict use of Yik Yak during union elections, a move that seems entirely in the interests of those afraid of criticism. So you could vote to leave this utterly incompetent organization, or you could stay and keep your NUS discount card. Your choice. 

Anyway, I’ve wasted enough time on this. Come back next time for the final, heartfelt edition of my column. That’s right, I have feelings too. Now fuck off. 


Another prick with a wall

 

We don’t need no education

We don’t need no gun control

With gunshots ringing in the classroom

Donald will leave our guns alone

Hey! Donald! Leave them guns alone!

All in all, we need to, build a big fucking wall

All in all, we need to, build a big fucking wall

 

We don’t need no education

What we need is border control

No more migrants in Nevada

And fortify New Mexico

Hey! Hispans! Leave them states alone!

All in all, we need to, build a big fucking wall

All in all, we need to, build a big fucking wall

 

Written by 'The Bard of Osbaldwick'


The anti-NUS argument in full

Fellow Britons students, it’s time to leave the EU NUS! For too long have the bureaucrats in Brussels London told us how to run our unions. We refuse to pay 350 million 961 pounds a week to officials who represent less than 5% of us. These same officials would spend 9 million pounds thousands of pounds of our own money, campaigning to convince us to stay in their corrupt union.

They try to scare us with threats of a rising costs of trade alcohol, telling us that we may lose our trade status NUS extra cards. But the 20 billion 50 000 pounds we pay every year, could go towards our NHS a supermarket on Hes East. Will we really vote to remain in a union that can’t take a decisive stance towards ISIS?

Friends, it’s time for us to take our sovereignty back. The EU NUS has no right telling us which immigrants speakers we can and can’t entertain. Extremists like Mr Junker Malia Bouattia cannot continue to control our union.

VOTE LEAVE!

By Joris Bohnson 

Columnist at York Vision and Chat Politics.