The architect behind the recent full-scale refurbishment of the University of York’s library was today revealed to be a 12-year-old boy, Bobby, whose time is divided between redesigning the library and playing computer game The Sims.
Library staff said that they were initially impressed by his manifesto, which had promised to “build the coolest library in the whole neighbourhood” and included policies such as “Hugest most expensive TVs – everywhere” and “Massive rooms with no furniture or purpose.”
Talking to Vision about the improvements, Bobby said: “I couldn’t be happier. I spent hours on the design and it’s looking ace so far. I can’t wait for Mortimer Goth to come round so I can show it off to him. I hate that guy.”
Bobby brushed off accusations of financial recklessness, after it was suggested that the money spent on flat-screen TVs, machines that transfer books from one position to another, and large empty rooms could have been more usefully spent on increasing the amount of space available for students to study, purchasing more books, creating more silent study rooms, buying more lockers, introducing a system that regulated temperature, building bigger spaces for students to eat their lunches or subsidising the cost of the library cafe’s omelettes.
He first extended the library in 2011 by supervising the construction of the Harry Fairhurst building, in which he dissuaded the use of books and encouraged students to eat and talk freely – or, in his words, “improve relationship scores”.
The space next to the information desk, once a library cafe, has been transformed into a library cafe, and Bobby has also overseen important changes such as the relocation of the Key Texts room into a similar room next to it to “make room for the shipment of pink flamingos”.
Asked how well the building work had kept within his budget, Bobby appeared puzzled, and said: “Budget? I just typed in ‘rosebud’ and pressed enter a bunch of times.”
Vision asked Bobby’s secretary for clarification about the library’s financial situation, who sighed, and said: “He just keeps writing ‘rosebud’ everywhere thinking it’ll make us money. We haven’t got the heart to tell him that we actually ran out a few months ago.
“Since then we’ve had to rely on the J. B. Morrell Toilet Pipes Repair Fund,” she added.
Recently Bobby’s ethical aptitude for the role has been called into question after he inquired, during a tour of the newly refurbished library, about the possibility of “sealing off the silent study rooms by building walls where there were doors then watching them freak out and wee themselves.”
The investigation is ongoing.